I lost myself…
Mentally, physically, emotionally… I closed myself off from my family, my friends, and my colleagues. I allowed the depression, anxiety and despair to sweep me away until I felt and looked completely unrecognizable in my eyes. I hurt myself with my negative and harmful thoughts. The mental abuse I pushed upon myself was like permanently living on a battlefield. I fed myself negative thoughts and self hate with emotional eating.
I drowned myself in stories and books to try and take the pain away by living a virtual life. I did an injustice to my loved ones by not being my best self. Although at the time I was the best I possibly could be. I gave what I was capable of giving, which was more than I was able to give myself. My passion to help others on their health and fitness journey became a struggle. How could I help others when I couldn’t help myself? I lost the passion for life and the passion for my business. I fell. Then I failed and fell again. I went through the motions of life and I failed. I failed everyone including myself.
Through all of those failures there was still success. Even when I wanted to end it all I never gave in. I exhausted myself by fighting WITH myself to continue on. I battled with the darkness inside of me refusing to let it take grasp of my heart and soul completely. I knew there HAD to be a light at the end of the tunnel, and I just had to endure long enough to get there. I knew this because this isn’t my first plummet, but it was one of the worst I have ever faced. A life long struggle with these diseases prepared me to endure and persevere. I refuse to let them win in the past, present or future.
The battle will continue on because it is a part of me, but the ascending out of that place has been ENLIGHTENING. It’s provided me with clarity on how I want to live my life and what is TRULY important.
I had stopped dreaming of the future and where I wanted to be, what I wanted to achieve, or who I wanted to spend my time with.
But now… for the first time in a long time I feel like I’m ready… I’m ready to be who I have always wanted to be.
I’m ready to make the people I want to be a priority in my life a TRUE priority. I’m ready to be free from the burdens I feel, and have a path to achieve my dreams. We are only given ONE life. That life may be for one breath, 15 years, 40 years, or 90. However long I have left on this Earth I refuse to allow the possibilities of my dream life to pass me by. When my life comes to an end I don’t want my last thoughts to be of the memories I missed out on making with my loved ones, the dreams I didn’t achieve, or how I gave up on myself.
I truly believe I have a destiny awaiting me IF I’m willing to accept it and work for it…